The Great American Novel Dream

popeGo Figure: Musings from the Mind of Rob Wilstein

 

 

 

 

 

September 1, 2013

Anya Slushpile
Redem, Phazst and Sellum Literary Agents, Inc.
999 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10001

Dear Ms. Slushpile,

It was delightful meeting you at the New York Book Festival when you called for the security guards as I rushed at you with a fifteen-pound shoebox containing my manuscript. You were kind to allow them to release me and I took it as an invitation to contact you.

This is the novel you’ve been waiting for! Complete at 350,000 words, give or take, Cassie’s Code: The Botticelli Papers tells the story of Cassie Kikazz and her band of nubile marauding waifs. Think The Hunger Games meets Lolita. Think The DaVinci Code meets Fifty Shades of Grey if it helps.

In the year 3013, when seventeen-year-old supermodel Cassie Kikazz is abducted by the Pope’s radical henchmen, falling prey to the Italian underworld luge team, she is forced into leading a group of ragtag partially-clothed orphan girls through an emotionally challenging maze, using her wits, her spelling talent, and her nuclear arsenal to survive. And survive she does, going on to lead a team of superagents in a battle for control of the world’s oxygen supply.

Rivetingly compelling“, “Compellingly riveting“, and “Very nice.” These are just some of the comments my family has made about this book.

A little about me. I am a 2011 recipient of the second prize in the Posh School for Boys Spelling Bee and have been selected as a finalist in the prestigious National Sweepstakes Contest and should be receiving my check any day.

If you are interested in reading the full manuscript please send me a self-addressed, postage paid shoebox including fifty dollars in cash.

Expecting to hear from you immediately,
Dan Ryterman

 

September 3, 2013

Dear Mr. Ryterman,

Ohmigosh! Thank you for your wonderful query letter. No need to send the full manuscript. I can tell from your synopsis that we have a best seller here. I’m in love with Cassie already. How nice to hear from a writer with no experience and no credentials. Such a fresh voice! Please send the full novel to Mr. Dudley Moneybags, Jr. at Dreamon Press.

Gratefully,
Anya Slushpile

 

September 4, 2013

Dudley Moneybags, Jr.
Dreamon Press
A Division of Little, Bitov, Fortune Books
102 Main Street
Indianapolis, Indiana 46464

Dear Mr. Moneybags,

Please find enclosed my 350,000-word masterpiece, Cassie’s Code: The Botticelli Papers, the novel that will put your company on the map. I recommend a run of fifty thousand books to get the ball rolling, followed by the release of the audio books. I will be available for personal appearances and speaking engagements at my usual fee. Please send my advance to my mother’s house.

Looking forward to a profitable collaboration,
Dan Ryterman

 

September 6, 2013

Dear Mr. Ryterman,

Thank you so much for selecting Dreamon Press, a division of Little, Bitov, Fortune Books. We know you have many publishing houses to choose from and we appreciate your business. The presses are running and we expect to have CCtheBP (our in-house pet name for your beautifully crafted work) ready for stores by next Tuesday. I’ve taken the liberty of sending the galleys to my good friend, O. Meyer Suchaju at Let’s Make a Deal Productions, a division of Putemonashelf Films. I see Scarlett Johansson as Cassie with Mark Wahlberg as the Pope.

The check is in the mail,
Dudley Moneybags, Jr.

 

September 8, 2013

O. Meyer Suchaju
Let’s Make a Deal Productions, a Division of Putemonashelf Films
2345 Sunset Boulevard
Hollywood, CA. 90909

Dear Mr. Suchaju,

Enclosed is my film script for Cassie’s Code: The Botticelli Papers. I look forward to working closely with whichever director wins the rights to make my film. I expect to have the sequel completed any day now. Please send my check and Scarlett Johansson’s home phone number to my mother’s house.

See you at Oscar night,
Dan Ryterman

 

September 10, 2013

Dear Mr. Ryterman,

Your script had me at “Cassie enters.” Production on the film will begin as soon as Mr. Scorsese and Mr. Spielberg hash things out between them. In the meantime, please sign off on the enclosed Cassie and the Pope action figures and video game. We plan to have them in stores in time for the World Premiere in (think Oscar buzz) December. The boys think this thing has legs, so figure prequel and spin-off as well.

Scarlett says hi,
O. Meyer Suchaju

Note to self: Have Mom get my tuxedo pressed by March.

Dan.

 

 

 

2 comments

  1. Pat Sollner

    It’s great to get such a good laugh! Thank you. BTW, I know a Kissie Kikass; do you want to interview her for a sequel?

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