Thank You for Your Order

amazon2Go Figure: Musings from the Mind of Rob Wilstein

In December, (Amazon) patented ‘anticipatory shopping,’ which will use your shopping data to put items that you don’t yet know you want to buy, but will soon enough, on a truck or in a warehouse near you.”- The New Yorker, February 17&24, 2014

Tuesday 6:15 PM

“Hello, Mr. Weisenheimer, this is Frank calling from Amazon Distribution Center 457963…”

“I’m sorry, it’s not a good time. Maybe try back.”

“Yes, we know, and we’re so sorry. It must be a very difficult time for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, with your wife leaving and everything. That’s why we’ve sent you a copy of Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late.  It should be on your front porch now.”

Thursday 8:05 AM

“Hi, Mr. W., Frank here at Amazon. Sorry to wake you. Just checking you got the book okay.”

“No prob. I was up. Worrying about how to tell the kids.”

“Yeah, I know. Rough. You should find a copy of Daddy Still Loves You under your pillow. Read it to them tonight. We at Amazon are in your corner.”

Three Weeks Later

“Hi Bob, Frank, may I call you Bob?”

“It’s not my name…”

“Listen Bob, we here at Amazon have been concerned. How’d it go with the kids?”

“Okay, I guess, but she’s filed for divorce.”

“Yeah, we know, just trying to give you some space, but check your coffee table, should be a copy of Divorce for Dummies next to the lawyer’s papers. I’ll hold.”

“Got it. Thanks, Frank. You’re a good guy.”

“Just doing my job.”

The Next Night

“Bob, it’s me. The guys here at the distribution center thought you sounded pretty stressed yesterday. The divorce and all. I know how it is, let me tell you. Women, huh?”

“Thanks for calling, Frank. Yeah, I’ve just been a ball of knots since this thing started. My back’s a mess and my neck, forget it.”

“That’s what we thought. Look in your basement. We thought it’d be just the ticket. Amazon’s Electric Full Body Shiatsu Massage Chair Recliner with Heat Stretched Foot Rest 60C, on sale this week and free shipping.”

“Frank, you’re the best.”

Sometime Later

“Mr. Weisenheimer, this is Phil, Frank’s supervisor. He was too upset to call. Seems there’s a problem with your credit card on file. Is there something you want to tell us?”

“It’s my wife. She’s taken everything. The bank account, the car. I’m in deep, Phil.”

“That’s what we thought. Not to worry. Amazon’s here for you. There’s a six-DVD set in your TV, Debt Consolidation in Thirty Days. Watch it. Frank says hi.”

Six Months Later

“Bob, long time. Frank. Hey, seems your home phone’s disconnected. Bummer. Got this number from your ex-wife. She says some kind of shelter.”

“Nice to hear from you, Frank. How are the guys at the Center? Yeah, been at this place a while, but they’re kicking me out.”

“I know, Bob, that’s why I called. The boys and I chipped in and sent you Amazon’s Teton Sports XXL -18 Degree Celsius Flannel Lined Sleeping Bag. You should find it at the cardboard box on the corner of 23rd and Main.”

“What would I do without you, Frank?”

 

 

 

2 comments

  1. Jerry Whelan

    Hilarious. You’re on a roll, Rob–a comedy roll, that is, not a bedroll, unlike poor Bob–although who knows what tomorrow may bring (except Amazon)?

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